New Life

I’ve settled into to my new job very well and have welcomed a lot of new changes the last few months. We just welcomed Bailey Elizabeth Balfour to the world and have been enjoying her so much. It’s amazing what a baby can bring to people’s lives.

Over the last few months Jeff and I have been really thinking about starting our own family and we’ve just recently taken the steps to make that happen. We’re both so excited! Of course I have to stop the biggest vice that I have…smoking. I welcome the change and am ready to get myself to a healthy place. With this change comes the excitement of meeting with my endocrinologist next month to start the fertility drugs and venture into the “trying” phase of our new family.

With this decision and meeting Bailey, comes to many things to the front of my mind that I don’t really think I have ever invested a lot of thought in, but have certainly been reeling over it the last few days. Babies are a miracle and sometimes though unexpected, can do amazing things to peoples lives. I look at my Pseudo sister Ashley and see just how Bailey has affected her life in the best way possible.

Bailey saved Ashley and I am convinced of it. Granted, I wasn’t thrilled that she was pregnant and it wasn’t because she’s a single mother….it was because I couldnt get out of my own way and digest the fact that God created me with reproduction parts that do not properly function on their own, but he saw fit to give Ashley an unexpected baby when it seemed that she couldn’t handle it.

Bailey is a new chapter in her life and a reason to stand on her own two feet and accept the fact that she deserves better from the opposite sex. She is safe, healthy and loved and that is the key to a successful life. I couldn’t be prouder of her for standing on her two feet, looking at her beautiful baby girl and realizing that change needed to happen.

I wonder how many times in my own life a blessing has come and I’ve failed to notice that change needed to happen? I’ve wrestled with the fact that I cannot currently conceive on my own and will need medical intervention, but I think I’ve finally stopped asking Why and just started asking God to allow the things to happen that he intends. If a baby is meant to grow inside me then I know that is something that God can and will do for Jeff and I. If it doesn’t happen then we’re both ok with that and have discussed further options. It’s ironic to me that life always has a way of surprising you and difficult situations always have a way of working out. God is just amazing.

Inspiring Story

Today’s post is going to be a very simple one. I’m reflecting on Thanksgiving and what I have to be thankful for in my life. This video showed me just how much I have to be thankful for, but left me wondering what am I doing with my talents?

Say What You Need to Say

The Bucket List is an excellent movie and this song captures not only the biggest meaning of the movie, but also one of the biggest lessons in life. There are times when we often wish we had told someone something or had a voice that was heard.

Often times we’re so caught up in our busy lives that we forget to see the bigger picture. This song reminds me that not only is life short, but that it’s often moved through without saying the things that we need to say. This is a very personal message for me.

Had I five minutes with someone there are so many things that I would say, but only one very important conversation that we never took the time to have. That one conversation could have changed the lives and paths of both of us, but we never made the time to have the talk always figuring that there was another day, but that day never came.

Sometimes we shy away from saying something for fear of what the outcome might be while other times we don’t want to “inconvenience” the recipient if the message we need to get across isn’t a pleasant topic. This one missed conversation has caused a great deal of pain for not only myself, but it has inevitably affected all those who have crossed my path because I know that I am a different person today because that conversation never took place.

I held a lot of resentment about this. I really do feel that I would have been a different person had we shared the things we needed to share. I cannot change the past, but I can learn from it and forge my future differently. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about this conversation and honestly I don’t know where I would begin or even what I would say, but I know that I wouldn’t do what I did then…Ignore it.

It’s like the elephant in the room that no one wants to talk about, yet they should talk about because it is the elephant in the room that inevitably changes the course of people’s lives and who they are.

Why then do we miss these moments or just plain refuse to have them even though we know that in the end we’d be better off had we said what we needed to say? In the end isn’t it better to say too much then to never say again what you need to say?

“Even as the eyes are closing do it with your heart wide open” These words are extraordinary. I do not want regrets in my life nor do I wish to look back and know that I didn’t say what I needed to say.

To my someone – While it is not possible for me to have this conversation with you, I know that you know my heart and you hear me. I forgive you for not having this conversation and someday I will forgive you for your part in all of this. Today, I cannot forgive whole heartedly because I’m still figuring out how to forgive myself for 21 years of silence and destruction. I can tell you that I love you beyond all measure and no matter what has happened I am who I am because of what happened. You have taught me the most important lesson in life and for that I thank you. No matter the past I am not who I was, but I am who I’m supposed to be.

It’s Time For Healing

I stumbled across this video the other night on accident, but now that I think about it I’m pretty sure I needed to hear it just when I did. God makes me smile with the small ways that he shows me he’s hearing my heart and what I need exactly when I need it.

How many times have I sat here and written my heart and not listened to the words etched on my heart that it is time for healing and to “find a way to where I belong”.

There are days when my head and my heart are so full of things just begging to come out and I find myself pouring my own self into the pages of my journal. Spilling out the emotions and the thoughts that plague my mind to sleepless nights, but have I opened myself truly to healing and surrendered to whatever God is doing inside of me?

Have I opened myself up completely to surrender and go on faith that all this chaos inside of me has a purpose? I know that with every step that I’ve taken God has been there and he has helped me pick myself up time and time over again, but do I honestly feel in my heart that I can release all my past hurts and take that HUGE leap of faith into the unknown by laying down that which I’ve carried for so long at the feet of the One who can make purity from what seems like disaster?

What would happen to me if I were able to allow myself to lay it all down and be free from the bonds of my past? Surely it seems easy, but most days it’s just plain scary. This song has made me realize that 21 years is a long time to hold on to things that are long overdue to be made right and laid down. It’s certainly time to find my way and surrender to whatever He’s doing inside of me.

Hope you enjoy the song and you get whatever you’re meant to get from the message!

I recently had a conversation with someone very close to me that made me wonder how many times people are strapped down by the “fundamentalist beliefs” instead of focusing on the bigger picture. This blog might not be the most popular topic I’ve written about, but I feel like God has been speaking to my heart since this conversation and I’ve just got to get it all out!

I will not apologize for the things that I believe nor should I have to. I believe that I have been placed on this earth and endured whatever trials that have been in my path for a REASON. I believe that I am NO MISTAKE because God doesn’t make mistakes HE is PERFECTION. I may not live a perfect life and my heart may not always be in perfect accord, but I love the Lord with all my heart and I am constantly open to Him and aware of where I am and where He wants me to be.

Anyways, back to my conversation. The topic of discussion was regarding church and the reason that a particular church has failed to grow. Now up in this region we have a serious lack for a GROWING church that TRULY encompasses what a CHRISTIAN means. In my opinion the Church is a place where you feel welcomed, loved, cared for, free to worship, non judgemental. The Church should be the place where you feel the most welcomed because you are in the House of the Lord are you not? So what has happened to most of our churches?

If we enter the House of the Lord and we are greeted with judgmental eyes, harsh looks and snobbish hellos what kind of impression are we giving to those in our midst? If we are preaching on people wearing less then “Sunday best” (Fundamentalist definition: The sharpest pressed tailored suit and spit shined shoes that you can neither breathe in nor sit down in) instead of preaching about issues that ACTUALLY MATTER what have we shown people in our midst? That we’re more worried about what you’re wearing to church then we are the people around the corner who are in need of the One Love? Many people will probably stop reading here and thats alright because I know this opinion isn’t the popular one.

This situation is actually happening in the House of the Lord and I want to ask one question. If you were to take yourself back to the days before you were saved….When you stepped into church for the first time and you were greeted with the same attitude that I talked about above, what do you suppose your opinion would have been and would the outcome of your salvation been differently? This might seem ridiculous, but I see it differently.

We get so wrapped up in our little church “cliches” and our Sunday strive to be the “top Christian” that we forget that we aren’t being REAL. People don’t need stuffy know-it-alls to show them their wrong. People need compassion, love and respect. Who cares what your wearing because Im pretty sure that God cares more about the condition of your heart and your eternity then he cares about the shoes on your feet or the jeans you have on instead of that three piece tailor pressed suit.

The point to all of this is what message are we sending others that don’t know Christ? Are we sending out a message that truly reflects the Christ that we know and love or are we sending out a message of an elitest group of people that are so far superior that a meager unbeliever isn’t worthy?

What about the Christians who have gone astray? What are we teaching them by looking down our nose to their sins? What out the sins of our hearts because we all sin no matter how big or small it’s all the same in God’s eyes.

I believe that God has laid it on my heart to always be open to other’s needs. For whatever reason I have this burning idea in my head of what a church should be to people who need it. A church in my opinion should be open to anyone at anytime. A church should be there to open its arms to you when you just feel that you need to be at the alter to work something out between you and God. Im not sure about you, but to me there is just something about being in the House of the Lord alone and being able to pray at the alter and share that moment between you and God. There is just something about that that sometimes can only be found at that place. The church should be the one place where you never feel alone and never feel judged. A church should be the place where you run to when you feel that you need to be uplifted. A church should be there to inspire its members and teach them to reach out to others in the community and abroad. The church should be a cornerstone in it’s community and a refuge to any and all. Where are these churches?! Where are these christians?

I’m starting to feel like every where I turn Im confronted with judgemental stares and scoffs. I’m starting to wonder what happened to attending a church service and leaving feeling afire for the Lord. Instead, Im finding that I hear the same message over and over…the judgemental flairs about churches who are using “Mickey Mouse” bibles and members who are wearing polo shirts and cheeno’s (*GASP!*) to a Sunday Morning service! What is more important Clothing apparel and bible versions or the LIVES AND SOULS OF LOST PEOPLE?!

The choices we make

If you don’t learn from your mistakes, there’s no sense making them.
       - Anonymous

This quote may seem simple, but really has a profound message that we do not often really hear. Read it again and let it sink in. There are very few people that I meet on a daily basis that can honestly say that they do not wish for their lives to be different or wish they had done something differently.

I have often pondered the same thing. If I could change something would I? We all would instinctively wish for something to have turned out differently, but aren’t all the decisions that we make something that we wanted at the time? If we made a poor choice wouldn’t the outcome be better if we learned from our mistakes and grew as a person?

My mother in law is infamous for saying, “This is your experience and you need to have it! Don’t let anyone stand in the way of something that you want.” I hear her say it all the time, but until recently I never really heard it. It is honestly great advice (She’s infamous for that too!). How many times have I discouraged someone from doing something or talked myself out of doing something? Whether I agree with another’s choices is not my place to judge nor my place to stand in the way of someone else’s experience.

This is all a huge reminder for me because just last week I was thinking that had I made different choices in my life I might not be struggling with a mental illness nor with emotional difficulties. The truth is, I do not know if I would still be where I am if I hadn’t made the choices that I did. Who knows if things would have turned out differently? The point is, It doesn’t matter how much time I spend dwelling on the choices that I could/should have made because I cannot go back and change it. The bigger picture is, I am who I am because of the choices I have made and I wouldn’t change the past (no matter how painful) because I wouldn’t be me.

Focus In Coaching

http://www.focusincoaching.com/

My brother Larry has finally gotten his site up and running and we are all excited to see this chapter in his life begin! I am so proud to share in this adventure with him and see the amazing transformation that will come!

I am inspired by my brother’s energy and enthusiasm to make a difference in the lives of those around him. What an amazing testimony and love for people. Check out his site and sign up for his newsletter! You might just get inspired to find your life’s purpose!

Life’s Hope

Today is a new day and a new opportunity to learn something about myself and the world around me that I didn’t know the day before. I always try to remind myself of this at times so that I don’t find myself in the middle of my day thinking that everything is always just as boring as the day before. Ever find yourself thinking that all you do is the same old routine day in and day out?

Most people spend their entire lives feeling that way every day. How incredibly sad that someone’s potential is never reached because their too busy focusing on how their life became so “boring”. Each day is a new opportunity to be the best YOU that you can be. Tomorrow is the start of a new opportunity to try a little bit harder, to reach a little bit further, to smile a little more, to use your gifts that God has given you to touch the life of someone else.

What amazes me is that when I am thinking about my daily life and trying to find a reason to make it all worth while, I feel so much better about my days and the time I am spending in my day to day events. We all have jobs and responsibilities that keep us in a routine, but why spend so much time focusing on the routine when we could be using that time to bless those around us with something as small as a smile?

Have you ever wondered what the power of a smile does? A smile is the most powerful message of hope and love to those around you. A smile literally gives people hope; it has the ability to brighten a very dark corner of someone’s life. You never know what is truly going on in the lives of the people that you pass during the course of a day. What is even more miraculous is that God has placed you in that very moment to encounter those very people. Would you pass them by without giving them a bit of hope in their life simply by uplifting the corners of your mouth into a smile?

More often then not, a simple gesture of a smile can bring so much more to a person’s life then we often think about. I wonder how many times people have passed me by that I haven’t paid attention to because I’ve been too busy in my own thoughts and routine. How many times have I missed an opportunity to bring hope to someone’s life? Giving hope to people is not always about talking. Giving hope is about actions. The next time you find yourself in the presence of others…SMILE and see what happens to those around you.

Being what you aren’t

There are times when I think things are going just fine and then I slip back into the habit of becoming something that I am not. I don’t know where this comes from, but for some reason every once in a while it happens. I tend to push away and isolate myself without anyone really taking notice. Thats when I find that I start doing the unconscious lying and becoming who I am not.

Recently I found a picture of a girl that I thought was the perfect image. I obsessed about the picture because in my eyes she was perfect. I am not sure why I did this, but I guess I was just drawn to her for some reason. I don’t think it was the girl necessarily, but I think the picture symbolized to me all the things that I am not. I imagine that this girl is fearless and adored by all who know her.

What had me scared was that these things all reside in me yet when I need to see them I don’t. Why am I so obsessed about being someone else? Okay so saying Obsessed isn’t the right term, but I am consistently searching to be different. Im like the chameleon in some situations. Always trying to blend in and be perfect for the situation.

Im probably being a little hard on myself here, but its on my mind and I think it important enough to work it out within myself. Where does this need come from to fit in and be perfect? I think it stems from my having changed myself to fit in in order to hide the truths about me that I was ashamed about. Even though I have gotten over those things a few years ago, I still have yet to break the habit of those moments. It was a survival tool that I used subconsciously to keep myself going. Now, it happens as a reaction with no warning present. Its frustrating!

What makes me the most frustrated is that I do try to just be myself and do the things that I should do, but for whatever reason this crap creeps up and its like I just realize it one day that Ive been doing this for two weeks and there are a lot of holes to fill.

No matter how much forgiveness one gives and how far you think you’ve come from your past…..You are always left with the holes to fill in. I surprise myself because I was able to extend forgiveness yet I haven’t truly forgiven myself and embraced myself.

I think deep down I still hate myself and thats why this happens. There is a big difference between loving your life and loving yourself for who you are….DEEP DOWN. I can say that I love me, but do I love myself when I get down to all the things Ive done? Im not sure I can answer that question right now.

What I do know is that Im a long way from where I should be, but thank god that I am where I am.

Thankful Heart

The wedding has come and gone and I can honestly say that with all the things that went wrong throughout the week….I wouldn’t change a single thing. It was absolutely perfect and everything that I’ve spent my entire life dreaming about and anticipating.

It was nice to have Jeff’s family here and my entire family here as well. There was something HUGE on my heart the other day and it was more apparant having all of these people together. Each person is so unique it’s scary. There are some people that have an exterior that may not be comforting to others, but each person has their own traits that make them who they are.

I feel immensly blessed to have the family that I have and to have Jeff’s family as my own as well. While there were some things that came up this week that didn’t make me so proud all of the time, I can finally look back and say that my family is absolutely crazy and I love every minute of it. I love them all for who they are and their uniqueness and I wouldn’t change a single thing about any of them.

I have learned a lesson this past week that has really been pulling at my heart. I learned that it is not always what is on the outside that one should consider. Making assumptions about someone based on what we see on the outside is often not the best way to approach the situation. I say this because I had a doubt about someone that I love dearly and their character as a person.

When I pulled myself out of the situation and discussed this discomforting thought with my husband I realized that to have thought it at all was me playing into something that I shouldn’t have. When you know someone inside and out you are often blinded by things that others might see first hand. So being the careful little bunny that I am…I sought Jeff’s advice on the situation. After we talked I felt better because I didn’t think I had been blinded, but rather had spent enough time with the person to know the situation was not as it had originally appeared.

People are not perfect, but we are often quick to judge them based on outward appearances or behaviors that are not similar to our own. When we find ourselves around people that we do not know that well we are often quick to find either a positive or negative trait to focus on in an effort to make our own awkwardness a little less apparent.

Granted, there were a few things this week that embarrassed me beyond belief, but then I realized how childish I was being that someone else’s behavior and/or appearance would embarrass me. Who am I to judge anyone else? What I realized was that instead of judging the exterior of a person I need to focus on the interior. Instead of looking at someone and judging their actions or appearance….I need to focus on my own actions and behaviors.

Often times we judge the people that need to be loved and understood the most. There is no telling what people have been through in their past and where they have come from. It takes people different lengths of time and different hurdles to be free from their past. Who am I to judge what someone has yet to overcome? Just a few thoughts to ponder.