Stellarchik’s Weblog

The wedding has come and gone and I can honestly say that with all the things that went wrong throughout the week….I wouldn’t change a single thing. It was absolutely perfect and everything that I’ve spent my entire life dreaming about and anticipating.

It was nice to have Jeff’s family here and my entire family here as well. There was something HUGE on my heart the other day and it was more apparant having all of these people together. Each person is so unique it’s scary. There are some people that have an exterior that may not be comforting to others, but each person has their own traits that make them who they are.

I feel immensly blessed to have the family that I have and to have Jeff’s family as my own as well. While there were some things that came up this week that didn’t make me so proud all of the time, I can finally look back and say that my family is absolutely crazy and I love every minute of it. I love them all for who they are and their uniqueness and I wouldn’t change a single thing about any of them.

I have learned a lesson this past week that has really been pulling at my heart. I learned that it is not always what is on the outside that one should consider. Making assumptions about someone based on what we see on the outside is often not the best way to approach the situation. I say this because I had a doubt about someone that I love dearly and their character as a person.

When I pulled myself out of the situation and discussed this discomforting thought with my husband I realized that to have thought it at all was me playing into something that I shouldn’t have. When you know someone inside and out you are often blinded by things that others might see first hand. So being the careful little bunny that I am…I sought Jeff’s advice on the situation. After we talked I felt better because I didn’t think I had been blinded, but rather had spent enough time with the person to know the situation was not as it had originally appeared.

People are not perfect, but we are often quick to judge them based on outward appearances or behaviors that are not similar to our own. When we find ourselves around people that we do not know that well we are often quick to find either a positive or negative trait to focus on in an effort to make our own awkwardness a little less apparent.

Granted, there were a few things this week that embarrassed me beyond belief, but then I realized how childish I was being that someone else’s behavior and/or appearance would embarrass me. Who am I to judge anyone else? What I realized was that instead of judging the exterior of a person I need to focus on the interior. Instead of looking at someone and judging their actions or appearance….I need to focus on my own actions and behaviors.

Often times we judge the people that need to be loved and understood the most. There is no telling what people have been through in their past and where they have come from. It takes people different lengths of time and different hurdles to be free from their past. Who am I to judge what someone has yet to overcome? Just a few thoughts to ponder.

Lots of things going on as of late and I am fixated on one particular incident. Our wedding is in exactly 4 weeks. During this year of planning we have properly informed our families of our intentions to marry and have the wedding that we both want.

Some of you may not know that we had originally wanted to marry in September of last year. Our plans were changed due to Jeff’s father Scott insisting that September was too soon for them to get the money together to be here (Jeff’s dad lives in Oklahoma). So, we changed our wedding to June 21st.

We have just heard from Scott and apparantly he and Trish (Step mom) are not coming to the wedding. I am just in awe that a father would miss his sons wedding because there isnt the money to be here. Well…..YOU’VE HAD A YEAR TO SAVE THE MONEY! I know that maybe some might think I am over reacting, but I don’t care. I am furious! I cannot fathom my parents not showing up for the biggest day of my life. I know beyond a doubt if I were marrying accross the world….THEY WOULD BE THERE no matter what.

What has really gotten to me is that this has become such a manipulation factor. We have been pushed and pulled back and forth about them coming or not coming and it’s to the point that I am just done with all of it.

I feel bad for Jeff. I know he is sincerely crushed about this and he is so unsure of what to do. In a way, I think that if his Dad loved him and cared about him he would do everything he could to be here instead of making constant excuses about everything under the sun as to why they can’t be here. I just don’t get it.

Jeff and his dad have never really had a major bond because there has always been a lot of manipulation there. Finally when they start making some headway on their relationship….this happens. I am just at a loss of words on how to handle this and what to say. I am frustrated that a parent could do this to their child and not make them a priority on the most important day of their life. I just don’t get it.

Jeff’s mom would not miss this day for anything. Here is a woman who works her butt off week in and week out to support herself in whatever way she can. She doesn’t have money growing on trees….BUT SHE WILL BE HERE! I just dont get it.

I am unsure how to help Jeff with this because I tend to always have the guns up and aiming ready to defend when things like this happen. This is his father and I understand that, but father or not there has to be a line drawn on the manipulation. This isn’t okay.

I am tempted to sit down with Jeff and suggest that he tell his father how he feels. This will forever affect him and I know it will because he’s said he won’t ever forgive him for doing this. In a way I understand that, but how do you set boundaries with someone that you’ve grown to fear?

I am angry because I have no idea how I am supposed to feel about this. During our trip down their Trish took a lot of pictures and in all the pictures taken but two I was cut out of the picture. HOW RUDE? I just really feel like their is two personas going on here. One persona is being nice to our faces and acting sicky sweet and the other is being deliberately rude and not willing to accept either of us or our lives together.

At this point Im about ready to just say screw it and have zero to do with them at all, but I also have to keep my patience in check and remember that these aren’t strangers. This is Jeff’s dad. Trish…she’s another story that I wont even discuss because it makes me so aggrevated my temperature raises.

Where to go from here I dont know, but I know we will figure it out.

I know it’s been a long time since I’ve posted and for that I apologize. Things seem to have a way of getting overwhelming while the days meddle together.

I’ve been doing a lot of inner examinations in the last few weeks and most of what I’ve seen and realized has been difficult, but overall I am learning about life, forgiveness and love. No matter where I have come from I am finding that I am always struggling to deal with my past.

Just when I think I’ve gotten a grip on things, I am surprised to be at what seems like the beginning. This constant up and down, forward and back used to drive me crazy, but I have learned to embrace this and learn from it.

My life must be an open book to myself and I must always be in “editing mode”. This does not mean that I am constantly looking to change my experiences, but rather to learn from them. What makes us struggle so hard with the negative circumstances in our lives, but breeze through the positive moments? I wonder this all too much.

What I have come to realize this week is that it is okay that I am not perfect and at times I mostly feel like an emotional mess inside. It’s okay that I am not always put together and smiling. It’s okay that not every day is a good day. It’s okay to have a day where all I can do is cry thinking about whats going on inside of me.

I struggle with a lot of things and while I have been down this road what seems like a million times before, I have to keep on reminding myself that Forgiveness might not heal everything, but it’s the right path to take. Anger and hate have their way of sneaking into our inner core and festering. It is okay to be angry and it is okay to hate. Those emotions need their own moment. Ignoring them does not solve the issue, but rather enlarges it to a point that is unbearable at times.

I am learning to allow myself to be angry and really get out my anger. Screaming, Yelling, crying….whatever it takes. Anger is like a poison that when it isn’t let out properly…it corrupts the entire being. I am learning to rid myself of the anger in an effort to let go of what i cannot control and embrace that which I can change and improve.

Another day; Another blog! There just seems to be so much on my mind the last few days. I feel like I am going through an amazing growth period that I just am so excited about and yet so moved by. There are so many questions and thoughts on my mind that just keep flooding out and of course I am blogging it out!

What an incredible gift our bodies our. God designed our minds miraculously! How easy is it for us to focus on those around us in an effort to ignore our own person issues?

I was at work lastnight and a comment was made (and admittedly I also shared my two cents) regarding someone’s short comings. How funny that I do that on a daily basis. How simple is it for us to look at someone else and instantly find something wrong or something “Off” yet we cannot look within ourselves?

I am reminded of the Woman who Jesus encouraged to walk away and sin no more. What would have happened to her if Jesus had not shown her compassion? Surely she would have been stoned to death and the world would be a different place. OR WOULD IT?

When we judge someone aren’t we doing the same thing? Now don’t get me wrong, I am VERY FAR from innocent in this manner and this is mostly for my own benefit anyways, but I was just thinking…I’m casting a stone when I do that. I am casting a stone on someone that I have no right judging at all. The worst part of all of this is that most people are in desperate need of love, care and compassion. What happens if we cast judgement and refuse someone a basic human need of love?

What happens when we refuse to take the light of our own perfection and focus on someone else’s short comings? To aid in someone’s poor opinion of themselves or their insecurity issues really bothers me and I do it on a daily basis. To push someone further down when they need love the most is the worst thing that I could imagine. It doesn’t sound so overwhelming awful, but when someone has nothing they grasp at straws. Been there and done that.

So my goal is to constantly be in the present and remember that I am no better then the man next to me. Whatever I am or have gone through there is always someone else who is in worse shape. Everyone should be treated as if they had it the worst. I think then people might show some desperately needed compassion for others, starting with themselves.

I am but a blip in the whole spectrum of life. What I do with my short time is what matters most. It will not matter what I designer clothes I wore, the amount of money in my checking account, the car I drove, the friends I have. None of that will matter. What will matter is the difference that I have made in others. The difference that my life, my experiences, my calling has made.

Life is about selfless giving, helping the man next to you for NO REASON at all other then compassion. I am moved. My faith is solid as a rock, I am an amazing creature crafted from the masters hands to fulfill his will for my life. I am a vessel, a tool to bring others comfort, compassion and love.

How can I not be moved by the things I see around me? How can I not be motivated to make a difference for someone else? How can I not be overwhelmed with emotion at the awesome thought of God’s love for me? How can I not be who I was destined to be?

God is awesome! I have truly come to realized that it is not in the straight and narrow that you find your answers, but rather the rocky difficult road. Sure, I wouldn’t always choose the easy way anyways because that doesn’t suit me, but I think I am right where I am supposed to be and I got here the hard way.

God’s love for me is so amazing that every time I think about it I cry. How amazing that someone can love me so much that no matter what I’ve done and where I’ve been He still picks me up. Through every dark trial in my life Gods presence has been there undeniably.

I have always been told that I have a “Huge heart” and sometimes thats been my down fall but only because I didn’t use it right. God has blessed my life with compassion, love, and forgiveness. How can I bring those things to others in a way that truly expresses myself. What am I doing in my life that is edifying others? Where can I be used? How can I use what God has given me to help someone else? How can I reach out to someone in the darkest corner and bring them back into the light just as I have been?

Would God give me overwhelming compassion and a burning desire to help others if he wanted me to do something different? I think not. Time to ponder these things. I have been working on a “project” that I think will take quite a long time to complete, but I think its the right step in this self discovery and self help direction. More to come…………

Today started out as a pretty good day. I had plans to go get my nails done and have a pedi! What girl doesn’t have an amazing day when she has that planned right?! Well, I think I finally got to the root of my sometimes explosive behavior today.

I am constantly getting upset about little things and poor Jeff takes the brunt of a lot of that. I caught myself today and finally sat myself down for some “me” time to get to the root of the issue. Jeff and I had a talk about a month ago and decided that we needed to make more of an effort to spend time together because our work schedules are so opposite each other. Jeff really has made a huge effort to be more attentive when we are together and I really recognized that for the last several months I am never satisfied. It seems that it doesn’t matter what Jeff has changed or done……it just doesn’t seem to be enough for me to stop complaining.

So, my big project today was to figure out what the heck was going on with me. Where is all this coming from? I’m angry. I don’t mean mildly upset, but rather RAGING MAD. At what, I am not entirely sure, but I do think that this has everything to do with my past.

Two years ago I got all my past out in the open and went through a bit of therapy for it, but I don’t think that I really worked on it the way I needed to. I have a lot of rage built up and it’s spilling out everywhere. This is not healthy!!! In the past I have always stuffed things down and ignored them so much that I began to do this subconsciously (Dissociative Depression). When this happens you don’t even realize that you are bottling things up inside, but you are. Things eventually spill out in every aspect of your life. You may really think you’re angry about the guy that cut you off in traffic, but deep down it is something MUCH bigger then that.

I am grateful that I can now recognize my feelings and take myself to a quiet place in order to figure out what’s going on with me emotionally. Putting a name to my feelings is a big healing process and it’s not always easy for me to do that.

So, I am now on a mission to find a new therapist as the one I was seeing before cannot do personal therapy since she did Jeff and I’s marriage counseling. She thinks it might be a conflict of interest if Jeff and I ever need to go back and see her. Hopefully I will be able to find someone that specializes in Dissociative Disorder and I will finally sift through all of this stuff and find a healthy place for all of it.

I am not sure if I am starting to have an issue with all of this given the time of year it is. We are fast approaching the 8 year anniversary of Josh’s death and his Birthday. I so am not looking forward to those days to be here and past. Maybe I need to go spend some time with him since I have been unable to do that all winter due to the cemetery being piled with snow.

I think I’ve been holding in my concerns and stresses regarding my upcoming appointments with Dr. Molin. I am struggling with the “what if’s”. What will happen to me if I end up hearing the worst news? What will Jeff do? I know God is in control and only he knows what will happen at this point, but let’s be honest this is a pretty major issue that I have “breezed” through in the last few weeks. I keep waiting for my freak out moment, but I really think thats adding to the problem. This situation is extremely scary and holding it all in isn’t helping either.

I think it’s due time for some personal housekeeping. Jeff has been so supportive and all I feel that I’ve done is dump on him in ways that aren’t helping either of us. My rage has come out towards him in ways that aren’t usual for me. I have been constantly unsatisfied with whatever effort he’s been showing and thats not alright. I need to learn to deal with all of this stuff before I start pushing others away.

Thank God for being able to recognize my boiling point. I am so happy that I am on a healthy road and discovering something new about myself each day. That is my high point for today….This all leads to major self growth!

One of the biggest lessons that I have learned throughout the course of my path to self healing is that life is full of surprises. Just when we think we have learned about who we are we are left surprised at the realization that we are constantly growing and changing.

“The best way to prepare for life is to begin to live” - Elbert Hubbard

This quote puts a lot of things into perspective for me. We cannot grow as people if we are afraid of change. Change is ultimately inevitable, but should be welcomed because with change comes growth. If we learn to accept change and not be unmoving then we are allowing our own selves the growth that we so desperately need.

Growing up in a very traditional baptist church I was constantly afraid of change. Now don’t get me wrong, change sometimes is not necessary, though I can honestly say that I do not know a circumstance in my life that hasn’t needed some sort of change to improve it. During my youth years at this church I was constantly told that we (as Christians) must stand fast to our beliefs and live separate lives from those in the world. My question is who are those in the world? If Christians separate themselves from those in the world then who becomes there for those in the world? Are we not ALL in the world? Last time I checked we all lived on this universe by the miraculous doing of our God.

Notice I said “OUR” God.

Throughout my youth and adult years I have been repeatedly told that Homosexuality is wrong and we as Christians should separate ourselves from that lifestyle. We as Christians should separate ourselves from those who sin and go against the Bible.

Now, Lets take a peek at that. I agree that Homosexuality is a sin, but so is Obesity. Do we then separate ourselves from fat people in an effort to live a proper Christian life by setting an example? Separating ourselves from sinners is IMPOSSIBLE because we ourselves are sinners. The pastor of my church IS A SINNER. My next door Neighbor is a SINNER. YOU ARE A SINNER. There is no way around it. Reaching out to others is not about ACCEPTING their lifestyles; It is about reaching out to them as a person regardless of their lifestyle.

What good does it do to alienate people, preach at them about their lifestyle and show them that not only do we abhor their choice to live the way they do, but we’re also better then you because we live separate. It’s almost like people are afraid that sin is contagious or Homosexuality is contagious.

What kind of image and impression are we giving people when we separate ourselves from non believers? It is easy to separte yourself from things that you disagree with and situations that make you uncomfortable. It is much MUCH harder to embrace ALL people and truly befriend them in an effort to show them a God who loves ALL people regardless of their sins. I do not believe that my God hates people. I believe that my God HATES SIN, but all people sin. God gave us the ability to chose and we do a million times in a day. God is a forgiving God.

So why then do we separate ourselves instead of reaching out to people in a friendly manner in an effort to truly be Christ like? Did Christ deny the woman at the well? Why then do we deny people?

‘The whole of life is but a moment of time. It is our duty, therefore to use it, not misuse it.” -Plutarch

This quote simply inspires me. What are we doing with our time? Are we so focused on avoiding sinners and living the perfect Christian life that we’ve forgotten about the most important thing? If our time on earth is but a moment don’t you think that your moment would better be spent making a difference in the lives of others?

Let me ask this. Is it truly making a positive difference in someone’s life when we cannot get beyond ourselves to truly inspire people? Is it making a positive difference in a persons life when we are so focused on perfection and being “high up in the church” that we forget to truly connect with non believers? Are we so focused that we have forgotten our bonds with our families? When was the last time you connected and TRULY connected with God?

Is change so bad? As a christian we are constantly supposed to be “evolving” and learning about ourselves in an effort to get closer to God. There is NO ONE that can sit here and convince me that they have a perfect relationship with God that is unchanging. It is impossible. Human nature causes us to sin. It is inevitable. What makes our connection with God strong is our ability to change that relationship.

“Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me.” -Carol Burnett

This quote just defines so many things for me. There is no one that can force you to change, but without change you are stagnant and without growth. Do you think God intended to give you free will and the ability to be such a complex creature if he didn’t want you to constantly be learning, changing and growing?

Today is not a good day.

Today I feel very angry, frustrated, alone and mostly disappointed. I received an email from a friend telling me that she could not financially afford to be in our wedding. I completely understand that it can be a financial burden especially when you’re a single mother raising two children. That wasn’t the part of the email that upset me.

This “friend” also decided to throw in there that I was not a good friend and only called her when I had news to share and when the conversation turned to her I suddenly had to get off the phone. Now, I am not perfect, but anyone who knows me knows that there have been many times that I’ve put myself on hold in order to be there for a friend. I have been through the fire for this girl on several occasions and have never asked for anything in return. I have NEVER ended a phone call without hearing how things were going in a friends life. Matter of fact the first thing out of my mouth after an introduction is, “How are you doing?”. I have always listened to everything that she chose to share with me and I have most always supported her in each situation that she found herself in.

Today is an angry day.

I sat in court during a murder trial that she witnessed just to be there to support her. I opened my home to her and supported her financially when she was pregnant with her first child. I drove to Boston to be there for the birth of her child and grateful to experience the miracle of life. I drove to Boston to get her when her relationship was in a turmoil. I opened my home to her and supported her financially again only to have her up and leave without so much as a note or a call to let me know. I sat in court with her when her baby’s daddy went to jail. I helped bail out her baby’s daddy. I let her use my car when she had no transportation. Yet I have NEVER asked for anything in return, but the simple understanding that when I was going through life’s up and downs that she could return the favor of being there for me when I needed it.

I spent the week in a hospital for trying to kill myself two years ago. I’ve spent the last two years picking up the pieces and trying my hardest to make something of myself and my life. Where was she? Not there nor did she call once. Yet I get the speech that I’m not a good friend. I don’t give of myself and I am not there for her when she needs me.

Today is a free day.

I am done with friendships and relationships that are not healthy. I have the ability to “lose” myself in helping others and being there for them. I have always been one to worry more about the well being of someone else instead of myself. This has been a both a blessing and a downfall. I enjoy helping and being there for others, but I have learned to do it in a healthy way without ignoring my own emotional needs.

Two years ago I made a promise to myself that no matter how difficult things got I would always be true to myself. Today I have been true to myself. I walked away from an unhealthy friendship in an effort to move towards a free-er life and to not be tied down by people who cannot show the same “giving” attitude back. I no longer desire to have people in my life that do not edify me and those around them.

Life is not all about getting your needs met by other people. Life is about SELF GROWTH and learning to meet your OWN needs, while still helping your fellow man. What has happened to the world that we live in? What happened to treating people with respect, love and care? It’s a shame that when someone goes from people completely selfless and disposable to others and actually begin to take care of themselves people complain!!!! Friendships are about support, love and trust not selfish tantrums because your needs aren’t being met by someone else. God help the future of America because people are getting more and more selfish and unwilling to aide themselves in any avenue, but would rather get their needs met by those exhausted “giving” types.

Today is a good day. I have learned a very valuable lesson.

Today I am unmovably tired and planted in front of my computer to sort out different thoughts in my mind. I have to say that I like the idea of blogging instead of sticking with my paper journal. Let’s be honest…my paper journal see’s the light of day maybe three times a year. That’s not so great considering I am constantly turning over things in my mind trying to sort them out. Writing seems to be my way of organizing all those things and working them out for myself. Most of my writing is directed at myself and it’s the mental process of “figuring things out” for me.

Today, I’m thinking about the awesome gift that God has given me in the form of my husband. When I look back over the course of my adult years (Short I know!) there have been so many trials and moments that I was ashamed of. Having to sit down and tell these things to Jeff was not easy, but in the end I was surprised about his reaction.

My entire life (It seems that long) I have always told myself that all of the horrible things I have done in an effort to protect my own survival, will come back to haunt me when I have to share them with the one person God created for me. I dreaded that moment and that discussion. My body simply amazes me. I have compartmentalized all the things that happened that I couldn’t deal with and instead I created a reality that wasn’t true. Surrounding myself with false stories and false images of my life, I forged on in an effort to survive mentally. What I did was horrible, but it makes sense to me. I hurt many people and in return hurt myself beyond any hurt I’ve felt.

Going back to right my wrongs has not been easy, but God’s forgiveness was never in question. When I understood why I did what I did I was amazed that God would design our minds with such a complex survival technique. Now, all the people in my life are finally getting to know me as I learn about me. It’s been a very uplifting experience.

Now, back to Jeff. Having to tell him was so hard and believe me there isn’t an iota of information that I didn’t tell him. I felt that Jeff needed to know what happened in order to understand why I was so behind in the self growth department and why I was who I was. When he responded I was amazed. God’s love for me was very present in that moment. Jeff just simply told me that whatever my past had created and done to those around me he loved me because I had learned to ask for forgiveness and I understood why I did what I did. He told me that there was no amount of err in my past that would scare him away. He reminded me that I was created for him and he was most grateful to God for the gift of me.

Now after all this I still struggled with feeling worthy of him. I just felt like after all I’d done and been through that I wasn’t worth what he saw in me. I still think that he could have done better, but he’s quick to remind me that there is nothing better then being with the one person on this earth that was created with you in mind. Good point, Jeff!

At any rate, the lesson I have learned in all this is to never underestimate our creator. God never gave up on me, in fact he picked me up when I was at the end. It is my belief that he carried me to the moment that I was able to sit in front of my parents and finally show them what happened to make me who I was then. God gave me the strength to share that with them and he also gave me the strength to work out my anger and learn forgiveness. God gave me the ability to look at the broken mess and realize and understand that below all that there was a great source of love and forgiveness for those involved.

Today, I can say that I love myself though I am always a work in progress. I am not perfect nor do I strive for perfection, but rather I strive to be whole and healthy in mind, body and soul. I have an amazing sense of love for my family and my husband. I have been renewed by all of this and I feel that my life has been enriched because I was able to work through the mess instead of giving in and meeting my maker.

When you think you will NEVER be able to get over the hurt, you will. I did. I got to the other side of the pain and I can truthfully say that I am not only a better person because of it, I love my life now. Hang in there if you’re hurting, life is full of surprises and beneath all of the hurt and pain there is always love.

During the last few weeks there have been an abundance of things that seem to be on my plate. I had a small pity party the other day just thinking about all the things that my family has been through in the last ten years alone. Its been a wild ride. Now I say a “small pity party” because It stopped just as quick as it started.

Sometimes its hard for someone not to play the victim role when they’ve been stuck in a dissasociative world for so long. I try not to play the victim and to remind myself that I am exactly where my feet are planted. I am not in yesterday because I am in the present. Being present is a HUGE part of being healthy.

During my short little spat I realized that God never gives us something that we cannot handle. During the times that I have been overwhelmed God has always worked things out. They may not have worked out the way that I wanted them to, but they have worked out. Someone once told me that “God never gives us more then we can handle, but on some days I wish God didn’t trust me so much!”. So true is that statement.

Given the choice to go back and change anything or remove anything I wouldn’t do it. The reason I wouldn’t is because each time that I’ve struggled or been faced with a devastating situation, I have grown immensely from the circumstances. Without the rain there wouldn’t be a rainbow and it’s the same with the soul. Without tears the soul would cease to grow and therefore not produce a rainbow. That thought always makes me feel better.

Learning to let go and trust that things will work out how they are supposed to is difficult for me. I tend to want everything here and YESTERDAY! Learning to trust and have faith that things are beyond my control, but what I can control is my perception of things and the way I feel about things. Being down and depressed only makes me feel worse. Being happy and confident makes me feel better. I just have to keep on reminding myself that in the end everything works out, but it generally works out differently then we thought.

So, Today I’m reflecting on Trust and Trials. I am learning to trust that I don’t always have to have control, but I can control the way I feel about things and my attitude towards things. A positive attitude produces positive things.